Monday, October 5, 2009

The case for co-sleeping

I'm just going to come out and say it: I AM MAD.  I AM FURIOUS.  I am sick to death of people judging our parenting
A little background:  G and I brought Sam home from Ethiopia about 3 months ago.  So, although he's 13 months old, we have only been parenting him for 3 months.  He is happy, healthy, and by all appearances very well-adjusted.  He is bonding and attaching nicely.  He is developing on target.  He is practically perfect in every way (I know, your kids are too) and we just couldn't be more thrilled that we were chosen to parent this little guy.
We are doing what's referred to as "attachment parenting" with Sam.  This entails baby-wearing (using a carrier like Moby Wrap or a sling or and Ergo), immediately comforting him when he cries, holding him for bottles, and yes CO-SLEEPING
From day 1 (in Ethiopia), Sam found a lot of comfort being in bed with us when he woke in the night.  It takes a lot less time to settle him down if he is with us, as opposed to putting him back in his crib.  He also wakes up less when he rolls over and feels one of us next to him.   Sam CRAVES human contact.  We ALWAYS start him in the crib at night, but when he wakes around 12 midnight for a bottle, we place him in bed between us, unless he immediately goes back to sleep and is comfortable in his crib.  Although Sam has not exhibited a lot of trauma since the adoption, we do understand he has suffered trauma -- he has lost several caregivers since his birth including, most recently, his 3 nannies from the orphanage in Addis Ababa, where he lived for 4 months prior to our arrival.   Some children exhibit trauma via eating problems, other through behavioral issues, and some through sleep.  Sam exhibits his trauma through sleep: he is a restless sleeper and wakes up multiple times in the night and needs conforting via human touch.  He needs to be held and soothed.  And we are happy to provide that and demonstrate that we are THERE for him and will always meet his needs.
When I first started writing about co-sleeping on my other blog, I was shocked by how many "closet" co-sleeping families are out there.  Although many are in the adoptive parenting world, just as many co-sleep with their "home-grown" children.
I KNOW co-sleeping isn't for every family or every child.  But it works for us.  In fact, it works for about 80% of the world.  In many countries throughout Africa, Asia, South America and Eastern Europe co-sleeping is practiced regularly.  It is practiced in part due to necessity: there aren't a lot of beds to go around and/or the children are breast-feeding and it's easier for mom to have the child next to her in bed.  It's also practiced as a way to ensure  stability and love.
Although I don't prescribe to the Ferber "cry it out" method of sleep training, I know parents who do, and have had success and happy/health children.  I don't judge them.  In return, I expect them not to judge our personal parenting decisions.
I'm blogging about co-sleeping on ME Mondays because our co-sleeping is just as much about me as it is Sam.  It comforts ME to have my baby next to me.  It helps ME sleep, knowing he's close by and I can easily soothe him if he wakes/needs a bottle/has a bad dream.  I sleep better on co-sleeping nights than on Sam-in-his-crib-and-waking-5-times nights.

What parenting choices have you made that help YOU as much as your child?

3 comments:

Cathy said...

Setting up a schedule. We have the same routine every day. The consistency has made the transition from me home all day to part time daycare that much easier. We all stick to the schedule and Kiya knows what to do. Some people think I am nuts to have a schedule but it works for us and it works for Kiya. She knows what to expect whether she is at daycare, with us or with my in laws. It gives me comfort to be able to look at the clock and be able to think about what my daughter is doing if I am not with her. I love this blog by the way. :)

Meg said...

Meg, your post made me furious! It sickens me that anyone would attack or criticize your parenting style. I don't know who has been disapproving of co-sleeping, but when we were going through our homestudy we told our social worker that we planned on having a family bed and she thought that was the best thing ever for adoptive kids for bonding. Yes, our *social worker* recommended it.
People need to mind their own business. You are doing AN AWESOME JOB!!!

dunlapfabfive said...

As if parenting isn't hard enough... negative comments are just SO hurtful. I remember when Zach was a baby and had colic-- horrible for him and us (especially as new parents)! He slept with us everyday for 6 months--in between 2 hour wail sessions! Many people (esp. my Mom) thought I was crazy. Anyway, after 6 months I had enough, did the cry it out method (took one horrendous night of 2!! hours of him and I crying) and he has been an awesome sleeper ever since. Point being this--do what works for you and him. The love you have for him just pours out of you when you write, so whatever you are doing it IS right!! I guess people just don't get that even when you strongly believe in the parenting choices you are making, a negative comment can make you DOUBT everything!!