Talk Therapy

Boy oh Boy am I tardy on postings.  Needless to say, we've been pretty busy over here at Casa De Sam.  And that's part of the reason for this particular posting.

I KNEW parenting would be tough...tougher than anyone ever warned or cautioned us.  Most likely the toughest thing we'll ever do.

But I didn't know, and wasn't prepared for the toll on marriage.  

I'm sure some fly through this "new parent" thing without incident.  Not us.  Things have been pretty rough since we came home with Sam in July.  Now, there are several legit reasons for that, such as the fact that it wasn't G's decision to be a SAH: it just didn't make sense for the attorney to stay home and the chef to keep working, financially speaking.  His new role is hard on his ego and frankly, immasculating.  Because of the demands of work, G now does the cooking, cleaning, laundry, you name it, all in edition to caring for and nurturing our son.

It wasn't my decision to be a working mom.  I feel a tremendous amount of pressure being the sole income: am I bringing in new clients and billing enough at work?  Am I putting in enough "face time" ... how are the partners viewing me as a new working mom?  But most of all, is 2-3 hours a day enough time with my son?  

Because of the stress of our new roles, and frankly, the fact that we are older and SO VERY set in our ways, we bicker a lot.  I will admit, I usually start it: I pick on G for some little thing, and then the it brews into a fight.  We make up, we always do...but the stress and strain remains in the background.

This weekend everything came to a head.  We had a HUGE fight and then spent 5-6 hours talking.  I mean REALLY talking.  Baring hearts and souls and crying.  Expressing frustrations, hopes, dreams, feelings of failure.  We laid it all on the table.  And you know what?  It was fantastic.  G and I are stronger than ever because we came back to the foundations of our relationship: friendship, communication, understanding and love.  I think over the past 7 months we have forgotten about the communication factor.  Well, I know we have.  But no longer.  Now communication is our No. 1 objective, our biggest goal.

As tough as the past few months have been on our marriage I wouldn't change a thing.  Sam is the best thing that's ever happened to us, and we are navigating this "new parent" thing to the best of our abilities.  So long as we keep this weekend in mind and keep the lines of communication open and strong, we'll be terrific parents and partners.

How is your communication with your spouse?  Any room for improvement?

Rough morning recap

This morning was a pure disaster.  I try to plan ahead to make morning easier in our house (have my lunches & breakfast ready, set the coffee maker, have my outfit and Sam's pre-planned if not already set out, etc.)  but I clearly and utterly failed today. 

Let's recap:
Although I set my alarm last night, I evidently put it in the "off" position, so instead of waking at 6am, I awoke at 7am.  Okay, I can get myself together and make the next train, arriving at work only slightly late.  As an attorney, I don't have firm hours, but try to get to the office at 8 am everyday, so it wouldn't be a big deal.  But while trying to leave the house (my guys drive me to the station, 2 miles away, so they can have the car all day), we couldn't find the keys.  Mind you, we have ONE set of car keys (I know, a big mistake in and of itself.)  We knew Sam had been playing with them last night (again, a mistake on our part), but couldn't figure out where then ended up.  We searched everywhere for about 35 minutes, while arguing with each other (why didn't you take them from him?  Why did you give them to him in the first place?  You MUST have moved them because last I saw they were here!) ...by now I had missed another train.  We FINALLY found them behind a heat register, where Sam had evidently dropped them/hid them; I say this because he was laughing at this point.  The next train wasn't until 9:04, so I had G drive me downtown to work.  Arrrggghhhh!  Although I got into work at 8:55 (no big deal) I proceeded to spill my morning oatmeal on my shirt while stirring it (I use instant packets), had to rinse the shirt to prevent a crusty stain, and now look like a candidate for the annual Ft. Lauderdale Wet T-Shirt Contest.  Thank goodness the shirt is teal blue instead of white!

With small children, do you ever have days like this?  How do you plan your mornings to prevent these debacles?

It will be ok...

So tonight, DH and I are having a night out on the town. Yes, we need some time for each other. Yes, the kids will be fine. Yes, I will worry all night but YES I will be ok.

It has probably been almost a year since DH and I have gone on a "date". With his crazy work schedule (12 hour days) and me being pregnant and now having the newborn we haven't gone anywhere. When he was home on the weekends, we spent time as a family and took the time to adjust to having another baby in the house. As Sam's mom has said before, we NEED time for ourselves. A month or so ago, my husband came home and told me that he bought season theatre tickets. (what?!!!how could you without asking ME first?)His thoughts were that if he bought them, we would have to go. Don't get me wrong ,I know that we need the time alone but I was and AM a little freaked out about leaving my 11 week old. I know that my DD7 and DD4 can take care of themselves and will be just fine with G'ma and G'pa but what about the baby?Did I mention that we are staying overnight? I get nautious thinking about it...

So today is the BIG day and my anxiety has set in. Apart from the stress from packing stuff for the kids to take with them to the G'parents, the baby needs a trunk load of stuff...and what if they don't know his different cry's, how to comfort him the way I do?What if I worry so much that I call them a million times or what if I don't call(as not to embarrass myself) and worry myself sick? What if his parents think I'm a bad mom for leaving my baby so early? WHAT IF?

Cross your fingers and your toes for me! I will enjoy dinner with my DH, The kids will be fine, and YES it will be ok.

How do you deal with leaving your children? What makes it easier?

Date night Conundrum

My husband and I haven’t had a date night in, gosh, well over 4 months. Intellectually, I know that is wrong: we need to, we MUST make time for our relationship. I know our dinners at home and snuggle time on the couch watching a movie after our 13 month old is asleep just isn’t cutting it. We need time, out of the house, alone together. We need a movie night, or a dinner out, or a walk in the park…something. I understand this in my head, but not in my heart.



We just returned from Ethiopia will our little guy 3 months ago. So, in many ways, we are still getting to know each other, discover each other, learn about each other. It’s like we have a 3 month old, instead of a 13 month old. He still cuddles all the time, wants to be held for bottles, needs constant reassurance, and sleeps in our room at night (he has transitioned into the pack-n-play, but it’s on the bassinet setting so he can reach out and touch me.)


I just cannot image leaving Sam. Not for a couple of hours. It’s not a babysitter/stranger thing. My mother-in-law has offered many times. Sam loves his grandma and she is amazing with him. That’s not it. It’s the act of LEAVING that has me stopped, dead in my tracks.


I do understand this isn’t just an “adoption” thing or a “home 3 months” thing. I know many, many moms who have this problem: some have newborns, some have toddlers, some have school aged kids. For whatever reason, I don’t think dads have this same problem, this pull towards their children, this need to be close all the time.


So, as I understand that G and I need a date night, I cannot bring myself to actually follow through.  What’s the solution? Maybe a date “afternoon” on a weekend? Maybe I could handle that. Maybe it’s the thought of him going to bed that’s hard. I’m not sure how I’m going to fix this. But I am DETERMINED to find a way.


How are you making time for your marriage?

The guilt of no guilt

After 2 1/2 wonderful and amazing months with my baby, I returned to work.  

FULL TIME.  I adjusted my work hours so I would have 2 guaranteed hours with Sam at night before I put him down to bed.  But still...that's not enough.

I thought going back to work would be the hardest thing I would ever do in life.

I was wrong.

I actually don't mind it.  

I think I'm a better mom because I work outside of the house full time.  Sam is at home with daddy and they do great together.  I think I'm a better wife/partner to G because I work outside of the house full time as well.

So where is the guilt?   

I have GUILT over not having guilt.  

I "got over" being at work after the first week.  I call home & get updates.  G sends me pictures and movies via the phone.  I don't really feel like I'm missing anything (other than battles at nap time.)  Sam is EXCITED every night to see me; they pick me up at the train station.  We have amazing play time each night and a great bedtime routine.

I feel like I SHOULD be miserable and feel overwhelming guilt for not being home with my child.  But I guess the intellectual knowledge that this is best for our family (I make more than my husband so it just made sense) has overridden my emotions on this issue.

Are there issues regarding your children or husband that you THINK you should feel guilty about but don't?

What changes, what stays the same

Becoming a parent changes, well, ALMOST EVERYTHING.  But the biggest change I've seen is in my marriage.
Let me start by saying that my marriage is built upon a VERY STRONG FOUNDATION.  G and I have alway prided ourself on our great communication skills:  Talking everything out.  Not shouting during an argument.  Listening to both sides. NEVER going to bed angry.  Kissing after we work out the problem/disagreement.  G and I have always been very physically and verbally affectionate with one another: to this day we hold hands in the car while driving, hold hands in the grocery store, heck we even hold hands while watching TV on the couch.  Basically, I have always been very happy with our relationship.
Some things have changed.  Some things have stayed the same. 
I am STILL very happy with our relationship.  But it has changed.  Now, I'm not so naive to think this wouldn't happen once our baby came home; I know there would be some adjustments in our marriage.  But, our communication has changed.  We are both so tired and frustrated all the time that I fear we take it out on each other.  I'm a control freak when it comes to the baby, and right or wrong often think things should be done MY way because that's the RIGHT way.  Example: I think we should pick the baby up immediately when he cries.  G disagrees.  I think baths should be done a certain way, diaper changes a certain way, meals a certain way, etc.  G is currently a SAHD and I know the pressure must be intense.  But sometimes, I come home from work, and am so mentally spent that it's all I can do to take care of baby for the next few hours before bed, let alone communicate productively with my husband.  Basically, I AM SNIPPY.  There, I admitted it.
I REALLY need to work on this.  As parents we are ALL exhausted.  Whether was are SAHs with multiple kidlets, or working moms.  Raising children is the single hardest job there is.  But I cannot let my marriage suffer.
I MISS long talks w/ G.  I miss snuggling on the couch with an old movie.  I miss date nights.  I miss teenage-esque make-out sessions!  I miss feeling hot and sexy around my husband.  Most days I feel frumpy and fat and why in the world would my darling husband want to be with such a fat slob of a wife?
I HAVE to work on this.  On ME.  On US.  It doesn't matter if I'm not the dress size I would like to be.  I need to realize that my husband still finds me desirable.  He doesn't care if my hair is done, if I'm wearing make-up, heck, if my legs are even shaved.  He wants to spend time with me.  And I want to spend time with him.  I want to ensure our marriage is as strong as it ever was, because that can only make us BETTER co-parents.
So, I VOW to stay up 1 additional hour 2 nights a week for US TIME. 
Doesn't matter if that US TIME is spent walking an NCIS rerun while holding hands on the couch, or talking, or anything else.  Doesn't have to be fancy.  Doesn't have to be anything other than time together.  I deserve this.  G deserves this.  WE deserve this.
How are you making/taking time for your marriage?